I haven't seen him in over a year. He asked me to his prom over myspace. Is he fucking serious?
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Randomize
