My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
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