no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
