R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Your French couch surfers have just started playing flip cup with old crow. Basically you need to come back here
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
