did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
