now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize
