I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Randomize
