I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
