there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
How bad was it?
You ran around telling everyone that you were going to click them to death on google earth
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
THERE ARE ENTIRELY TOO MANY HOT UNDERAGE GIRLS HERE FOR THIS TO REMAIN LEGAL.
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
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