Those kids are glorified dude-bros. It's banal.
Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
It was either a cute kinda butch tomgirl or a really fem guy. Either way, I made out with it. Bisexuality, my best friend.
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
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