i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
Randomize
