My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
Another weekend, another 3 guys I have to awkwardly avoid while crossing campus...
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
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