I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
