margs and chips and queso make the world go round
well and inertia
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Nvm, he just almost drank his drink from last night, his drink that has the condom in it. Kinda answers my question.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
