I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
soon, soon....
I don't believe you anymore. You're like the boy who cried coitus.....
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
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