My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
You were, but he disappeared after you said you wanted him to get you pregnant so you'd have a child by the time the Boy Meets World sequel starts
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Randomize
