She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
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