i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
Randomize
