I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
