the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
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