see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
Randomize
