I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
He just posted pic of sad weiner and half a butt cheek. That is it. I HATE online dating.
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
Randomize
