Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
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