were you the shorter or taller girl out of you two
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize