so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
Randomize
