Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
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