I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
well, it ended with me crying outside the strip club saying i don't want to be 21 anymoree. i'd say it was a great 21st birthday.
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Randomize
