On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
Cleveland boys shit in their own pumpkins in their own living room. Got pictures to prove it.
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
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