my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
Randomize
