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Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
Randomize
