I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
is it gross that my labia hangs so much that guys can't find my clit?
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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