Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
Randomize
