just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
4 to the list in one week. Slutsville isn't as fun as the brochure promised.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
Randomize
