Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
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