My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
Randomize
