hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
so much tequila, so little girl.
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
