one word: firstdatebathroomanal
My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
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