bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
she had condoms in her med. cabinet - magnums -I don't think I'm tall enough for this ride
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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