5 years of college and never once did they teach us how to respond when you overhear a group of 7th grade boys who are in your class talking about how you're definitely DTF
children are so perceptive these days... and horny
It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
how do you tell a roommate that having sex on your bottom bunk is not appropriate even if she has a top bunk that's hard to climb to?
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
