You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
just peed in rthe mens room but seranaeded them with adelle the whole timee so they didnt mind
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
Randomize
