textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
This hot topless Jamaican just ran down the st with me on his back and He was screaming "I be stealing yo white ladies."
I don't know if i should be jealous or worried... or question where you are.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
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