Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
Romer got arrested for getting in a bar fight with a bus boy because he was trying to steal a keg, had it all the way to the car
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
would it be mean if I put better with the lights off on my sex playlist just for my hook up with him?
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
Randomize
