I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
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