More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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