I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
Randomize