He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
Randomize
