I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
It starts with an S and ends with arah just gave me a bj.
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
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