I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
Randomize
