im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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