last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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