I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
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