Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
They should really start adding the average cost of day drinking to our cost analysis sheets. Does FAFSA cover this? No. It doesn't.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
Randomize
