lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
Randomize