and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize
