Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
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