Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
I'm at the point in my career when i know a sites a trap and isn't real porn
so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
Randomize
