The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
We had sex and I never took my mets hat off... I feel like Duda knows and approves.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
Randomize
