you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
He's in the same dorm as me. We are sharing a laundry room, gym, and cafeteria. I'VE ALREADY COMMITTED DORMCEST AND MOVE-IN DAY ISN'T UNTILL NEXT WEEK!!!!
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Most people that see those numbers aren't going to realize what they mean and those that do will think 'oh those must be her favorite hockey players' and not 'oh she wants to see those hockey players fuck each other'.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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