i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
Randomize
